Friday, 10 August 2007


Angel "disappointed" with 10 on Par 3.

We are not entirely convinced that "Septuple" is a word - Is there a word for +7 on 1 hole??
That's what Cabrera did on the Par 3 6th at the opening round of the USPGA (Southern Hills, Tulsa).

After firing 2 balls Oscar Bravo, he followed up with a slap into the water and pretty much kissed goodbye to making the cut at the years final Major.

In stifling conditions (goodness knows how Daly was able to get round in one piece and shoot 67!!), the player gathered for what many regard as the weakest of the 4 Majors, partly due to the quality of some of the courses over the years.
Everyone expects Tiger to deliver and at +1, he's not dead and burried.
69s (-1) for Padraig and Westwood keeps alive the prospect of a European winner (2 Majors in a row... surely not??)
However, the surprise name at the top of the leaderboard is Graeme Storm from England.
A fantastic 65 has given him an unlikely lead and seemed to surprise even him.
"I don't know where that came from," quipped the Englishman.
I'm not a sport psychologist but that suggests to me that making the cut is the goal as opposed to winning the damn thing.
We are off to Machrihanish now for 3 days of golf heaven and will be watching events unfold from Tulsa over the weekend.

The only thing we are worried about is the post USPGA feeling that is inevitable on Monday morning .... "That's it for another year!!"

Monday, 6 August 2007



The members breath a collective sigh of relief.
Double G&Ts all round.
As the champagne is opened, the feeling in the locker room is unanimous...
"Thank F**k that's over!!"
For the first time in history, the home of the R&A opened its doors to the "best" women golfers in the world.

Instead of early morning four balls between Colonel Itchy Baws and Major I.M Sober, the links was awash with bright colours, colourful characters and in some instances, great looking woman.
The event was won by world number 1, Lorena Ochoa.

Will the event be brought back?

Will the members give over the locker rooms for another full week?

Will the Womens game ever have the same appeal as the mens?

No comment......



The one person who has shown us all that there is "more than one way to skin a cat" is looking unlikely to make the USPGA at Southern Hills, Oklahoma.

A back injury whilst practicing for the WGC has all but ruled him out.

We like big Jim.

He is not the most conventional of guys with a swing that is akin to an octupus falling from a tree but to be fair, there are fewer consistent players around.

"I would love to try to be prepared and ready to go at the PGA, but if that's not the case, just get healthy and get strong," said the 37-year-old American.

We wish you a speedy recovery Mr Furyk.

Tuesday, 24 July 2007



Having just recovered from the events at Carnoustie, low and behold, the 4 day pass has just arrived for what could turn out to be one of the golf highlights of the year.

The British Seniors Open Championship comes to town, or rather to Muirfield.

Some of the top players in the history of our great game will contend for a total purse of £1m over what is without quiestion, the best course in the UK.

Let us not start making wise cracks about 6 hour rounds due to 4 toilet stops or indeed about score cards getting muddled up as the players have " a wee bit of an off day!".

These guys are serious and with some of them as young as 50 (Wayne Grady 50 on the Thursday!) expect to see some good shooting.

Of course the talk is of Faldo and can he add to his 2 Muirfield Opens of '87 and '92 (they only seem like yesterday!)

“A Senior Open Championship title at Muirfield to go with my two regular Open Championship titles is certainly the goal for me" commented Faldo.

However, we expect Watson to have a thing or 2 say and Loren Roberts will be very keen to hold on to the title that he claimed last year on the Ailsa.

Muirfield, the home of so many great memories will have that buzz about it that only a handful of courses have and with so many legends present, we could be in for a memorable few days.

As for Gary player's "drugs" allegations, the only drugs we expect to see are the odd viagra tablet and perhaps something for the odd bout of gout.

Enjoy the weekend.

Monday, 23 July 2007


New addition to book

"TANK FOCK FOR TAT!!!" - Harrington after 4 hole play-off (Carnoustie 2007)

Got your breath back yet?
After what has been a boring 6 months golf, I think it is fair to say that Carnoustie has just provided us with THE best Open for 30 years.
Ok, so the weather was "mixed" to say the least (although was it devine intervention that led to blue skies and sunshine for the 4 hole play-off?).
The course has been praised by all quarters - not the same severity as 1999 but still an awesome test of links golf.
The rough was manageable, the greens were receptive and the fairways teased.
We stood on Thursday as the tournament teed off and were once again awestruck by just how well these guys strike the ball.
We could go on about how much we enjoyed the event, how it is without doubt THE best sporting event on the planet and of course, how Ivor Robson MUST be honoured in the next Queens list... but instead, let us focus on 1 thing...... Can Sergio bounce back?
To see 2 Europeans fight it out was a joy to behold after "8 years of hurt" and to be honest, we would have been delighted to see Padraig or Sergio lift the Claret Jug.
Everyone talked after day 3 about how the only way Sergio would not lift it was by choking.
We disagreed with this venomously and were proved right.
A 3 shot lead is nowt with 18 holes to go - you make bogey, your opponent makes birdie and hey presto, you are back to 1 shot and the old "back wheel" is starting to get a wee bitty twitchy.
Sergio played well on Day 4 - his putter did not work quite as well as Thursday, friday, Saturday but his ball striking was solid.
One shot sums this up - he's 2 shots back going up 18 in the play-off, Padraig lays up and he knocks in a fantastic long iron to 20 feet!!!
Under the circumstances, shot of the tournament.
So can Sergio bounce back?
He's gutted, make no mistake about that.
He's becoming "The best player never to win a Major" and he doesn't like it... just ask Mickelson how relieved he was to pick up his 1st green blazer!
The Spaniard will learn from this.

He'll learn that it takes a completely different metal to win a Major (if he had won after leading from Thursday, it would have been an awesome achievement).
He's going to bounce back and we think the USPGA could be the time to prove he has the bottle and as we know, he certainly has the ability.

Padraig.... congratulations on what was a truly memorable victory.

Sergio..... Your time will come...

Wednesday, 18 July 2007


Good evening ladies and gentleman.

Our bags are packed, our beers are cold and our mobiles are firmly packed away for the next 4 days.
Carnoustie here we come....
Dumping in dodgy portakabins, beer in plastic glass, £8 bacon rolls - no, not London pubs.... THE OPEN!

The sense of anticipation on the Thursday morning, the flags blowing above the main stands, the yellow rough, the sun scorched fairways, Ivor "no toilet break" Robson announcing the final 3 ball and making a mad dash to said portakabin... how does the man do it!!

Stay away from the t**ts in the Bollinger tent, walk the course am / get a seat at the 16th pm.
That's how to enjoy the world's finest sporting event.


To say Seve inspired us to pick up a golf club is an understatement.
There are golfing greats, there are golfing legends... and there is Seve.
The story of rags to riches is legendary..
The swashbuckling style is unique...
The fist pumping celebration in 1984 at St Andrews is one of THE iconic sporting images of the last 100 years...
Hell, he even looked good in Slazanger!!!!!!!!!!!

But an announcement that the 5 time major winner is to retire came and to be honest, it surprised no one.
"I don't have the desire any longer," he said. "I have worked very hard from morning to night and put all my energy and effort into the game, focused 100% and I felt that was enough.
I have a number of good years left and I'd rather spend time now with my three children and my companies and friends."

It is fair to say that he has had his problems recently: injury, terrible form and of course a dreadfully vain tattoo!!!
It would however be folly to remember him for his final years on tour.
Instead, remember El Matador who brought our wonderful game to an entirely new audience.



More drugs on tour than at Glastonbury!

So it would seem if we are to believe Gary Player's extraordinary outburst.
"I would say there are 10 guys taking something. I might be way out. It's definitely not going to be lower, it might be a hell of a lot more."
Mary Poppins!!!!!

So what has the tour become?
The Tour De France but with cashmere sweaters?
We can't imagine who the hell he is referring to but we certainly cannot imagine Monty and Big Phil "making shapes" on the dance-floor after the 3rd round of a competition.
So what are the R&A going to do about it?
"We are working closely with the Tours around the world to achieve the introduction of a uniform drug-testing policy," said Royal & Ancient Club chief executive Peter Dawson.

Pass the test tube please Mr Dawson...

Monday, 16 July 2007





In a year of golfing mediocrity that can so far be summed up in 2 words - Zach and Angel, we are crying out for a golf event to remember.

Welcome to Carnoustie - home of Hogan's Alley, home of the wonderfully named "South America" and home of course to the legendary Van der Velde Burn!!

If any course can really get this season moving, it's got to be Carnasty.

Let's not be mistaken, the course of 99 is almost unrecognisable.

It aint going to be easy but the madness of 8 years ago is a thing of the past.

So who can win??

Well, it's going to be a thinkers course and of course, the abiltity to stay out of the s**t is paramount.

Most people are fancying Tiger and we feel that he is going to be a tough man to beat.

Mickelson is a bit wild at the moment.

Our tip is a man who has not had the best 12 months after injury but did enough yesterday at Loch Lomond to prove that form is temporary, class is permanent!!

Mr Ernie Els.......

Who can forget his finest moment at Muirfield in 2002?

Who would bet against him repeating it this week?

He looked good yesterday, he sounded relaxed and the swing was looking as smooth as treacle.

We deserve a big name to lift the Claret Jug.

There's not many bigger than "The Big Easy".

Let battle commence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Well the old joke about the difference between toast and the French is that you can make soldiers out of toast, has finally been put to bed after heroics from Frenchman Gregory "Have it" Havret.

A final round 68 from the 320th placed golfer in the world put him in a tie with Mickelson and an up and down for par at the 1st play-off hole assured victory and £500k in the bank.

Mickelson managed a 69 but was wild all day with the furniture and his drice into the reeds at the playoff 18th, summed it up really.

A great victory for the Frenchman but let's be honest, we want to see these events being won by a big name.

Let us hope it's not an omen for the Open to spring up anothe Curtis, Hamilton fiasco.

Monday, 9 July 2007

"Woosie?? I've not seen you since the Ryder".


So what's the difference between a bad debt and Monty?....You can write off a bad debt!!

Well that is that out of the way but we are delighted to see the big man back.

Ok, so the K Club should have been called the Kids Club with holes shortened et al but never the less, he's back winning and what a time to find form.

With the Scottish at Loch Lomond and of course the big one the following week, surely Colin is fancying his chances.

We expect to see the usual crowd (ginger wigs, kilts, can of lager in hand.... first time out since they got off the sex offenders know the sort).

But don't let that dampen the event.

It's going to be a cracker!!!!!!


At talesfromthelinks, it's all about having a laugh at other peoples mis-fortunes (albeit mainly ON the course).

We picked these up and wondered if you could do any better?

The best ones will get published here.

Friday, 6 July 2007

War Looms Between Asia and Europe

Stone the crows!

Things appear to be getting slightly out of hand on the old tour front this week.

The Europen Tour managed to p**s off the Asian Tour by introducing a new event in India and have made things worse by forming a new event that'll take place in March in South Korea.

Tour executive chairman Kyi Hla Han said: "This represents the Europeans' blatant disregard towards our Tour."

It has to be said that we welcome any form of controversy in what is becoming a hell of a dull golfing year.

Can we look forward to an ongoing slanging match, a few thrown punches and perhaps a "fight to the death" scenario?

We doubt it (more like a round of g and ts at Wentworth HQ, a couple of hand shakes and problem solved).

Let's wait and see.

Car"nasty" not coming back to haunt Van De Velde.

"See Tiger, I can walk on water!"

Just as we were starting to look forward to seeing "La Bottler" lacing a drive down 18 on day 1 and sticking a 4 iron into 4 feet for a stick on birdie, news has reached us that he is likely to miss the Open due to illness.

"I've been physically sick on occasions" be-moaned the French star who will remain in folklore for his calamitous 7 on the final hole in '99 that cost him the Claret Jug.

He didn't add if that has been on-going since that fateful day 8 years ago but he did continue, "I find that I hit about 30 balls and then have to stop as I'm tired."

I know the feeling - that's why nowadays I normally call it a day after 3 holes.....

Sunday, 1 April 2007

Open Chancer Flitcroft dies.

In the world of golf, there are legends and there are Legends.

Maurice Flitcroft was the real deal and an inspiration to fellow hackers the world over.

31 years ago at Fornby, Maurice completely conned the R&A, got into the Open Qualifying and went on to shoot an eye wattering 121!!!

When caught, he received a lifetime ban but went through it all again a further 4 times under some wonderful names, perhaps most memorably Gerald Hoppy.

It is unthinkable that this could happen today but with Maurice Flitcroft passing away bringing the issue back into the limelight, don't be surprised to see an over zealous security guard on the 1st tee at Carnoustie "clothes-lining" Furyk to the ground, unable to accept that such a swing could belong to a pro.

Let's all raise our glasses to a true golfing great - Maurice Flitcroft.

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

Garcia In A Hole Load Of Trouble

Bobby Jones would be turning in his grave after Sergio's latest show of disrespect for golf course etiquette.
on the 13th of his 3 round at the WGC-Ca Championship, he missed a putt and as he went for his ball, spat into the hole.
Obviously it was captured on TV and it almost put me off my 3rd treble Bombay of the evening (almost)!
He'll no doubt get a slap on the wrist and a meagre fine.
It's the person in the next group we felt for.

Can you imagine making a great birdie, feeling that you are on a role, going for your Pro V1 and having your hand covered in saliva - not the best!
Whilst it's a pretty disgusting thought, it made us think of a few similar incidents we have experienced over the years on the links.

One story is of a poor guy who's curry the night before had delivered what can only be described as "Bombay Surprise" the following morning on his back swing on the 1st tee during a summer match play event.
Now cream chinos do not help in hiding such accidents and with no clean clothes, the gentleman in question had a choice... surrender the match or carry on in a very off puting manner.
Well, a match is a match and whether or not the ghastly scenario effected his opponent is still debated, but the man with the chinos claimed a comfortable "4 and 2" victory.
It has to be siad, I've been "shi@@ing myself on the 1st tee before but never literally!!

I suppose there is plenty of time.

Monday, 19 March 2007

Boo Weekley In Penalty Debacle
"2 shot penalty?Yeah whatever!"

Talesfromthelinks are really starting to take a shine to Boo "In the news for the wrong reasons weekly" Weekley.

First came the tiddler that cost him the Honda Classic and his first PGA Win.
As if things couldn't get any worse, his "flawless" 67 in the Arnold Palmer Invitational became a 69 due to his sportsmanship.
Tom Johnson had a really tricky long putt and his only option was to chip it up.
It was a corker and as he hadn't asked his caddy to tend the flag, Boo grabbed the stick and in the process cost himself a 2 shot penalty..
"I learned another rule in the game of golf," sighed Boo.
"I thought it was a great act of sportsmanship." quipped a fairly sheepish Johnson.

It shows once againthat whilst rules are rules, sometimes a wee bit common sense goes a long way.

So from now on golf friends, etiquette and sportsmanship out the window...

1/ If their ball is in the rough, don't look for it...If you stand on it..bang!..2 shot penalty.

2/ In match-play, if they have a 2 footer to half, do not say "I'll see that in".

Remain silent and perhaps gently clear your throat as they line it up - they will miss!

3/ On the 1st tee, inform your opponent he looks "a bit off colour" - watch their game go from bad to worse as they try to decide if they have the plague or typhoid!

4/ Alternatively on the 1st tee, as your opponent takes a practice swing, ask him "When did you change to such a strong grip?"

As they try and change things, their game will collapse.

5/ If all else fails, breaking wind on the top of your opponents back swing should ensure victory.

Of course, we joke.

Golf is all about playing to the rules and regulations and a dishonest golfer is ...well probably earning a fortune on tour.

Just remember a thought that an old member ran by us not too long ago after half a bottle of Macallan...

If at first you don't succeed...Cheat....repeat until caught....and then lie!!

You can't go too far wrong with that sort of advice


It was starting to look like the mother of all chokes as Vijay made 2 bogeys over last 3 holes but alas, it was good enough and he can now add the Arnold Palmer Invitational to his trophy cabinet and whilst doing so, equalled the record for the most US titles by a non-American.
So whilst we are pleased to see Vijay back to his winning ways, the story of the weekend has to be Tiger's back 9 yesterday...43 hacks!!!
6 over for the last 3 holes!!
There is hope for us all.
With all the talk of breaking Jack's record and Grand Slams (subject to Tiger Cub not appearing during Carnoustie) one would think that someone has at last conquered our great game.
What this 43 does for the golf world, is show that no matter how far you drive it, how much back spin you get from rough and how many $s you have in the bank, the game of golf can never be completely mastered...
Why else would we come back time and time again without questioning our own sanity?

Friday, 16 March 2007


We all know what it's like to lose a bit form.
Pre-season, string a few nice rounds together (off the winter tees) and one thinks they have mastered the game.
Then comes the first medal of the year...
1st tee nerves set in and a "Boeing" start (7,5,7) assures we crash back down to earth with a bump.
Surely this horrendous loss of form applies only to us meak duffers?
Not at all....welcome to the world of Justin Leonard.
Last year after the FBR Open, he was ranked a fairly respectable 32nd.
In his next 23 tournaments, he's only made the cut in 14 of them.
This year, he's missed every cut!!
He's now at number 210 in the world!!
For someone with an Open under their belt and always one of the more consistent players around, this really is a shocker.
The Masters is looking like a spectator sport for him this year.
Never mind Jus, there's always money to be made as a Prince Andrew lookalike!!

Monday, 12 March 2007


There is something a wee bit sinister going on in the golfing world.
Firstly, we hear that Brandt "who are you?" Jobe was sweeping his garage when a sharp piece of metal from the broom cut off his finger tips.
He put them in a bag and almost comically told his daughter "Daddy has to go to the hospital".
4 years ago, he broke his arm and recently quipped "If I keep this up, I'm going to be a bionic man!"...steady Brandt.
Next thing we hear is space cadet Jasper Parnevick is still not over his recent injury.
Back in January, Parnevik broke the middle finger in his left hand in very bizarre circumstances when he tripped over a suitcase in his hotel room.
"One of my kids had a nightmare, we had adjoining rooms, and I ran in there at two in the morning, tripped on a suitcase and fell and smashed my finger," he revealed on Thursday.
With Jasper having his middle finger in a large bandage, at least he would have a fairly easy to understand response if any journo asks him if his career is over!!


Guess who's back?...Back again..Guess who's back guess who's back guess who's back (fade out).
Only Mark bleedin Calcaveccia!!!

Forget about the young up starts "breaking through" this year with their well pressed "stay-press" and lovely ironed polo shirts - not to mention the robot like swings
Up pops the 1989 Open winner with a "cheeky wee" course record 62 on Saturday in the PODS Championship, shoots a steady 70 on Sunday and pockets his 13th PGA win.
"I'm sure the emotions and the fact that it's a win will sink in here in a little bit", said a clearly relieved Calcavecchia.
Slocum's missed 4 footer at the 72nd hole put him into joint 2nd with John Sendon.
So what next for the big man?
I'll tell you what, he'll get a great reception at Carnoustie in July and well, you just never know!!!

Thursday, 8 March 2007

The Countdown Begins

Just as the guys from talesfromthelinks were starting to get a bit depressed having not seen any real exciting golf action for months and the prospect of a weekend of golf from Singapore or watching KJ Choi at Tampa Bay wondering what the hell he is doing there after winning the event only 5 months ago, was not helping much.

But as we walked into the newspaper shop at the airport, we looked at the 3rd row shelf (seconds after looking at the top shelf) and were welcomed with the most fabulous magazines.....US Masters Specials....guides to Augusta....YYYYEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!!
It's fast approaching us.
No matter what is said about the changes that have been made to the great course (and there has been plenty), The Masters has to be one of the most watcheable, exciting events in the sporting calander.
And God, how time flies!!
We were just saying that we cannot believe a year has passed since Tiger's amazing chip in (probably the best advertising Nike will ever get!) - only to be reminded that was 2 years ago!!!!!!!!!!
"Of course!" we cried.
Who could forget all these Saddos after Big Phil's victory turning up at their Spring Meetings with 2 drivers in their to hit hit S*@te and one to hit even s*@ter!

So the big question this year is not who will win it (we think Stenson has a great shout by the way) but what will Mickelson's Augusta menu look like?
As we all know, the previous winner chooses the evening meal.
Perhaps a year ago, the table would have collapsed under the weight of burgers and donuts but change is in the air.
Mickelson has lost the "Lady Tits" and with regular exercise, healthy eating and even a new Martial Art (Summo wrestling has been ruled out) is ready to give Tiger a run for his money.
So let's hope the guys in attendance at the Augusta dinner like lettuce, carrots and grilled chicken.

We have a feeling that the Augusta Tandoori may do some good take out business later that evening.


Friday, 2 March 2007


John Daly Heads Back To Clubhouse

As another weekend of professional golf looms (both the Johnnie Walker in Phuket and the Honda at Palm Beach Gardens), us a talesfromthelinks feared that we'd be struggling to come up with a story to keep our viewers amuzed.
Another couple of mediocre golf events..all pretty dull..Fear Not!
Along comes Big John "All my exes wear rolexes" Daly!
After 2 holes at the Honda, JD was forced to retire after an eager fan took his picture in full swing - he stopped his back swing and when he tried to swing again, that was that!
Now if you have ever seen his backswing, it's no surprise that injury followed.
PGA Tour officials said Daly injured his rib area, along with his shoulder although how bad either injury is wasn't known.
Playing partner Ogilvie could only offer the following..."It wasn't good!"
We love big John and wish him a speedy recovery.
We believe he may have another Major in him.
However, whilst his backswing is long, I've seen longer.
There was a guy at our club, and this is no word of a lie, who was forced out of the game for weeks when on his backswing, the head of his driver cracked his left knee (and he was right-handed).
The real tragedy was that despite his "lengthy" swing, if he hit it 200yds he was doing well.

It goes to show length counts for nothing !

Wednesday, 28 February 2007


Just as we were starting to think that any golf course under 7500 yds was too short for the tour, any rough less than 6 feet tall, too short for competition and any driver requiring less research and development than a rocket, a waste of time, the R@ A has finally seen sense and made what we believe are big steps into puting an end to this nonsense.

They are proposing a fairly radical change in the grooves of clubs, thus making it more difficult (if not impossible) to get back-spin from the rough (back spin from the rough?...back spin from a tight lie would be nice!).
R&A director of rules and equipment standards David Rickman said: "It is a matter of ensuring that skill remains the dominant element of success".
But before you start worrying and heading down to your pro for new "legal" clubs, no need to fret.
It has been noted that not everyone has the cash to just pop out and buy new clubs.
A 10 year concessionary period is expected.
We are going to spend the next 10 years standing in the rough at our club and we will not go home until we hit at least 1 shot from the rough with could be a long 10 years!!!

Monday, 26 February 2007


Not exactly enthralling!!

Ok..Let's give Stenson his due:

He beats Geoff Ogilvy in the final of the Accenture World Matchplay Championship 2 and 1, goes top of the European Order Of Merit and pockets $1.25m in the process - not bad for 5 days work (120 holes!).

He wasn't even at the top of his game (nor was Geoff) yet he did enough and 2 back to back birdies guaranteed him the trophy.
Now is it just us or was the tournament yet again, a bit of an anti-climax.
A wee bit like looking forward to Chrstmas as a child for weeks on end and when it arrives, that top of the range BMX you fancied is not there- only a dodgy looking push bike.
It sort of happened Fridayish when loads of the big names went out.
A Sergio Vs Mickelson final would have kept us watching.
Even if someone like Casey had got to the final against Tiger, we would have sat back and enjoyed the ride.
But Stenson Vs Ogilvy???
Anyway, as if that wasn't bad enough, charismatic Fred Funk claimed 1st prize at Mayakoba Golf Classic in Mexico.

$630,000 in his back pocket - thank you very much.
Good grief, no wonder there are so many journey men on the scene with crazy money for events that no one seems bothered about.
It was not an easy day for me out there today at all," Funk said. "I owe it to my putter and I think my intestinal fortitude."
What the heck does that mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But forget all that.

Us ponderers at talesfromthelinks have been more interested in what happened at the ACE Group Classic in Naples, Fla.
Lanny Wadkin's brother "Bobby" won and it has us asking...
Why do some families have all the luck?Is it in the genes?
The sporting world is littered with examples from The Williams Sisters of the tennis world to the Charltons of the football world and to be personally pi*ses me off!
Even Craig Stadler's son Kevin came 13th in that shi**y event Funk won!!
We like to think Bobby Wadkins has had to practice endlessly at his game to be as good as his brother but for some reason, we have a suspicion that he picked up a club one day, swung it a few times and shot 77!!

Having said all that, it won't stop me, a proven hacker and a fairly poor all round sportsperson becoming the mad over competitive parent, secretly hoping that his son will be the next "Tiger".

One lives in hope!!!!

Friday, 23 February 2007

We have come to a conclusion..
For the every day hacker, practice makes piss poor and golf manuals are a waste of time and money!!
There we are..we've said it and we are so glad to get it off our chests.

What is the point in hitting 100 balls on the range only to be improving that lovely chopping motion that other golfers snigger at!
Even if you start hitting it well on the range (and let's be honest, by laws of average you will do for at least 3 shots), by the time you stand on the 1st tee proper, you will be a gibbering wreck and worse than ever.

Read these manuals ...head still, not too strong a grip, left arm straight, mind the swing plane etc etc.
Good grief!!It's more complicated than nuclear physics!

Our advice is :

Stand over the ball

think of nothing

Just hit the damn thing

At Christmas time, someone at one of the on-line book companies must have been in festive mood.

Whilst I ordered "The Kama Sutra" to spice things up a bit at home and "Ben Hogan's Five Lessons - The Modern Fundamentals Of Golf" - purely as I've been having a wee bit of bother with the dreaded shanks, some smart arse changed the book covers round.

To cut a long story not so short, the wife was not too impressed as I attempted to keep my wrists fully cocked until just before impact and indeed threw me out of bed as I unwound my hips at followthrough.

And as for my actions on the 1st tee warming up?..well let's just say an extraordinary general meeting was called to discuss my actions and how I stayed off the sex offenders list remains a mystery!!!
Life can be sooo cruel sometimes!!!!

Wednesday, 21 February 2007


"Keep the noise down..there's a good chap!"

When we heard the rumour that Tiger was spotted out on the town (Light in Bellagio in Vegas) with Barkley, we presemued it was Gnarls.

Can you imagine the two of them up on stage singing "Crazy", only for Britney Spears to walk in??

As it turns out, the Barkley in question was actually Charles Barkley (massively famous basket-ball player we are informed) and he even went on to do a pole dance routine!! Charles...not Tiger!

Anyway, it hasn't stopped us thinking which golfer/singer we would like to see dueting and what they would sing.

Whether it be John Daly and Freddy Mercury singing "Don't stop me now", Olazabal and Dianna Ross belting out "I'm coming out" or even Vijay and Hank Williams having a go at "Your cheating heart", the options are endless.

Let us know your duets and we'll publish the best ones.

Monday, 19 February 2007

JJ Henry to face Tiger in WGC Matchplay

Please... Anyone but Tiger!
What a sickener!!

"The good news is Mr Henry... there's been a withdrawl and you have a late entry to this weeks Matchplay at Tucson Arizona"

"Why thank you for letting me know. I really love matchplay and would like a nice easy opening match to get me into the swing of things...Who have I got?"
"Someone called T.Woods!.. Have a nice day!".
As they say in these parts.. "every silver lining has a cloud".
Just as Charl Scwartzel pulled out to concentrate on the South African PGA , JJ Henry gets the nod only to find he has been drawn against Woods who is not only hunting his 8th PGA victory in a row but has already won the event in 03 and 04.
Whilst JJ might be asking himself what he has done to desreve a draw like that, we cannotwait for battle to commence.
We think the opening World Golf Championships event of the year is where things start to get serious.
Not only is the event match-play which brings out the true competitors (think Ryder Cup) and by the way, would it not be great if the final Major of the Year (The USPGA) returned to match-play, but it also reminds us that in no time at all, the TPC is upon us followed by the Masters.

There's some tasty ties ahead (Paul Casey Vs Mike Weir could be tasty as could Sergio Vs the Dazzler Darren Clarke).

Sit back, pour yourself a large g&t and get ready for the start of what is sure to be an unforgettable season.

Wednesday, 14 February 2007

Daughter's wedding keeps Watson from Open

"Daddy got a last minute flight to Scotland"

Our heart goes out to Tom today with the announcement that his daughter has, we think quite selfishly, set a wedding date slap, bang in the middle of British Open week.

What is a man to do??

"I will be thinking a little bit about it but I won't tell her that, though," he told the PGA Tour website.

Well we like to imagine Tom walking his daughter Meg down the aisle wearing the green t-shirt and checked troos that he carried off so superbly back in 77 at Turnberry as a tribute to the Claret Jug.

Or perhaps we should look forward to seeing Tom in the wedding photos fidgeting with his matchbox size radio trying to get coverage of the days play.

The 5 time Open winner will be saddly missed though and I'm sure whilst he will have a magical day, part of him will be wishing he was standing on that 1st tee.

Every golfer knows the feeling of being dragged around Ikea or the like, knowing that their playing partners are in the process of "limbering up" on the 1st tee.


Or having to attend to "family commitments" that co-incide with Thursday at the Masters.

Tom, our thoughts are with you.

Thursday, 8 February 2007

Shorter Golf Launched.

We have heard that there is to be a drive on shorter golf.

Our immediate thought was...yep good idea...with the exception of Ronnie Corbett, there are no midgets we know of playing the game (the wee Hawain dude is 5 ft 1 - doesn't count).

PORGS (people of restricted growth) should be encouraged to take to the links although should also be asked to "walk a wee bit quicker" to avoid holding the rest of us up.

But we have been corrected and this shorter golf is in fact some bright sparks idea of a golf equivalent of Twenty20 cricket or rugby sevens.

What a load of cobblers!!!!

In PowerPlay Golf (as it is to be called) each green has two holes instead of one, with a black flag denoting a more difficult pin placing and a white flag the easier one.
Over nine holes, players have to make three powerplays where they have to go for the harder option.

What next we ask???

Scrapping 90 minutes of football and going straight onto penalties?

Scrap the 5 setters at tennis and go straight to a tie-breaker?

In a leg of darts, forget the 501, let's go straight to double tops!!

Skipping the fore-play with the Mrs and going straight at it (actually that is a very bad example!!)

In fact let's not bother playing at all!!!

Do these people not realise that the beauty of golf is the rocking up to the clubhouse 30 minutes before tee-time, grabbing a coffee, having a few practice putts, spending 3-5 hours cursing and swearing, looking for that glimpse of hope that every golfer gets at least once every round, hence making us come back for more.

The feeling of the first pint not even touching the sides as you reward yourself for the 4 mile walk that you've just put yourself through.

Instead, like everything, they are trying to condense it into some sort of freak sport that city folks might try and do in less than an hour as their lives are just so busy.

Will someone please put an end to this nonsense!!!!!!

Tiger Slump Continues.

Forget the 7 straight tour wins in a row.

Forget the fact that if he wins the next 3 tour events, come Augusta, winning the Masters would mean tying with Byron Nelson's 11 straight tour victories record that many thought would never be matched.

The unfallable Woods extended his winless streak in non-Tour international events to five. Dating back to Sept 2006, he has lost at the HSBC World Match Play, played for the losing side at the Ryder Cup, finished runner up at tournaments in China and Japan, and was comfortably beaten by Stenson in Dubai.

So what's gone wrong?

Being dragged around "Mamas and papas" for baby stuff would screw anyones game up.

Perhaps one "eye of the tiger" is on his new course development plans!

Is there a couple of minor swings changes happening that the humble hacker would not notice if his life depended on it?

It seems that perhaps we are worrying unduly:

"I'm going to go home and kind of figure it out," Tiger explains and at the same time, putting all our minds at rest.

Something tells us that he will figure it out pretty soon and don't be surprised to see more records broken all over the place!

Monday, 5 February 2007

Golf Club "Suggestion Books" - helpful or hellishly funny?

Every Club has one.

Most sit in a corner of the lounge gathering dust..

Some are in a prominent place and updated on a regular basis by committees who have 3 hours of a Tuesday night spare to discuss the merits of putting cheaper toilet roll in the mens cubicles to cut costs!!

Others are so often "vandalised" by dry witted/drunk/bored/ironic/genuinly retarded members that the secretary now keeps under lock and key hence completely nillifying the purpose of its existence.

Well, I must confess..we sat down over a few beers and read our suggestion book and some of the entries over the years could not have been funnier if Ronnie Barker, Peter Sellers and Ricky Gervais had got together and written their thoughts.

Absolutely class!

Dear Secretary,

May we suggest that Juniors be allowed to play in Mens medals at the weekends?

After all, we are the future of this club

How the hell did you get into the lounge!


31st Dec (written at closinng time) - I suggest the committee resigns en masse

2nd Jan - I withdraw the preceding without reservation and offer my apology to my Committee


I was shocked and bewildered to note the bar shutting at 9.30pm and me being asked to leave.

Can the bar stay open longer?

I note your shock and bewilderment and will speak to the staff.

However, in view that you reported this in the Greens suggestion book I feel that perhaps the bar has been open too long!


And finally, possibly thr funniest suggestion/complaint ever...

Jan 1968 - No Stilton.Females at every table.

If you have any you want to share with us, please let us know and we'll post our favourites.

Friday, 2 February 2007


With so much else to think about rather than playing golf, the Great White Shark has declared a diminishing interest in tournament golf.
Golf course design, wine, ex tennis name it, Big Greg has an interest.
"I don't have the motivation I used to," moaned Greg.
"Ernie Els will walk off the 18th green after a pro-am, go to the range and hit more balls. That's what you need to do and I have no interest in doing that."

For a man who had such a glittering career and should certainly have won at least 6 Majors (was it not for some awful luck and the fact that Faldo could always psych him out) perhaps it is time for him to call it a day.
Whilst everyone admires him for his amazing ability, most of us will share in his misery of being so close to winning something and completely bottling it at the end...although perhaps a Wedneday Winter Medal and the Masters are entirely different.

Friday, 26 January 2007

Tiger might miss Carnoustie if baby arrives

Ernie and Monty find out Tiger may miss Carnoustie

Can you imagine the whooping and hollering around the tour when Tiger announced he may miss The Open this year if it clashed with the birth of "The Tiger Cub"?

"If it happens, it happens. If it crosses over, it crosses over," said the world number one.
"That's the most important thing, not another golf tournament. If she's going to have it during the week of the Open, I just don't go."
So we may just have another name on the Claret Jug.. Casey..Donald..Monty??

Ok, so it might make it a bit more interesting if we have 6 guys within a shot of each other in the final round rather than Tiger needing a 12 up the last to secure victory.

But we would hate Carnoustie 07 being rembered as the golfing version of The 1980 Olympics (boycotted by a number of countries, namely the good ol' US of A).

So come on Mrs's down to you - no curries mid July (or is that just an old wives tale? - let us know!)


The R&A members were delighted to welcome women

Why...I almost choked on my G&T!!
Women? Allowed in the R&A St Andrews Clubhouse?
"Over My Dead Body!" came the cry from the corriders.
Well, it's happening.
From the 2nd to the 5th of August, the Women's British Open takes place over the legendary links.
"The championship clubhouse will be open to all competitors, caddies, and officials involved with the Open," R&A spokesman Stewart McDougall said on Thursday, his teeth apparently unclenched.

One has to chuckle at the prospect of Colonnel Major Bannatyne Farqhuar getting ready for lunch in a makeshift "locker-room" whilst the ladies indulge in the wonderful hospitality that will be offered to all concerned.
The committee may decide to either widen the car-park area or employ part-time "car parkers" to ensure no damage is done to the sacred building on their arrival.

We are all doomed!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, 19 January 2007

BEN HOGAN - The Greatest of them all?

Slammin Sam Snead, The Golden Bear, Tom Watson, Gary Player, Byron Nelson, Tiger Woods... All wonderful golfers and all with a shout of being the best ever golfer.

It's always a tough ask to come up with one but we think Ben Hogan might just edge it.

Never has a man ever been as dedicated to perfecting the game as Ben was and by all accounts, his ball striking wasn't too shabby either.

Sure, he wasn't laugh a minute on the links like the great Lee Trevino or perhaps hadn't the same charisma as big Jack, but read any of his timeless golfing manuals or indeed the wonderful biog by James Dobson and what comes across is a man who was utterly commited to the game.

A man who played the Open once ('53 at Carnoustie) won it and never came back ..oh and he now has the 6th at Carnoustie named after him (Hogan's Alley - named after the drive he hit on all 4 rounds between the bunker and OOBs.
Below, are a few of the great man's most memorable quotes:

Mr Hogan...we salute you!!
Hitting a golf ball and putting have nothing in common. They're two different games. You work all your life to perfect a repeating swing that will get you to the greens, and then you have to try to do something that is totally unrelated. There shouldn't be any cups, just flag sticks. And then the man who hit the most fairways and greens and got closest to the pins would be the tournament winner...

This is a game of misses. The guy who misses the best is going to win....
Like most professional golfers, I have a tendency to remember my poor shots a shade more vividly than the good ones....

I don't like the glamour. I just like the game....

I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games...
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing....
Hit the ball up to the hole - You meet a better class of people up there....

The most important shot in golf is the next one...
I never played a round when I didn't learn something new about the game...

Thursday, 18 January 2007

"Off you go son..that joke is shite"

As a rule, golf jokes are p@ss poor.

Most of them were either told by Ronnie Corbett in his chair 25 years ago or used by Jimmy "I didn't get my daughter into Television " Tarbuck at the london Palladium.
Having said that, we are often sent golf "funnies" and occasionally they do make us chuckle.
We'll post the ones that do tickle our sides so keep them coming.
Where would you be without a laugh?...probably here!

Forgive me father, I used the f word this week.Ah, my son, tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word, after all, I can sometimes understand a person being provoked into using it.Well, I was golfing, and I hit a beautiful tee shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 300 yards but then suddenly veered into the woods.Ah, that is when you used the F-word? I can appreciate your frustration as I am a golfer myself.No, I stayed calm at that point, father, I then hit a perfect shotout of the woods, but it landed in a bunker.Ah, now I can understand you saying the F-word at that point.No, Father, I remained calm even then, I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the sand right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup.Ah, that is when you used the F-word, how frustrating said the priest.No, Father, I was still calm at this point.Don't tell me you missed the f**king putt said the priest

Tuesday, 16 January 2007

Who the hell is Tadd Fujikawa?

After another early year non-event, the golf journos across the globe are looking for anyone and we mean anyone to bring a glimmer of appeal..arrogance..raw talent to break up the monotony of the golf world in it's current form.

And who should come along:

Some Greg Norman type with flowing blond hair and a sun tan that would be the envy of any beach bum

Some swash-buckling "Chi Chi" style player who after each holed put, acts out a "Zorro" style routine?

Some Palmer clone with rippling biceps and forearms that could kill a cow.

Nope...please give a big hand to 5 foot 1 Tadd "Do you want to come to Fantasy Island" Fujikawa.

He's the youngest US Open Qualifier since 1941 (by the way..he shot 81/77 and was home by Friday night!)

He's from Hawaii (like Michelle Wie)

He's 5 foot 1 - oh did we say that already.

Excuse us whilst we shake with excitement but surely there must be better than this out there??

God, how we pray for a young Seve type who qualifys for the Open and walks onto the 1st tee as relaxed as if he was walking to the bathroom for a p*'ss at 3am in the morning.

Or a Daly character who we know is going to explode into a world of gambling, ladies and beer and we can all turn to each other hands on our sides and exclaim, "All that talent and he goes and wastes it!"

Let's hope there are organizations out there that as we speak, are searching for the youngsters who will take our beloved game forward in the next 20 years.
Failing that, we could be in for season after season of "Robot Wars" - but without the wars!

Sunday, 14 January 2007

Appleby enters Wie debate

As Michelle Wie looks to compete with the men after a less than successful 2006 ( although let us not forget the multi million $ sponsorship deals and endless appearance fees) , Stuart Appleby has made his feelings pretty clear.

"She's not ready for it. She's certainly not proving anything except that she can't play with the men at her level right now" exclaimed the not at all typical 21st century Aussie prior to the Sony Open in Hawaii.

Well, we look forward to the sight of women burning bras all over the world in protest at these out-spoken comments.

Perhaps Stuart "Can you iron this" Appleby will make a full apology before the Masters and agree to play on the Ladies Tour for a year.

Then again, perhaps we will look at her last 8 rounds when playing against the men (75, 77, 78, 79,77,81,81 & 80) and wonder if with scores like that, she would make a better opening batsman and perhaps Stuart has a point.

Michelle...the challenge has been made...prove us wrong.. love!

Monty hopeful of Major in 2007

Monty Hopes For Major In 2007

To be fair to Monty, it's a wonder he doesn't stand up in these never ending press conferences he gives and when asked the inevitable question, "can you win a major this year?", start throwing haymakers at the hacks.
"I was second in Majors in 2005 and 2006 so you would be foolish to rule me out of winning one this year" Colin quipped at Thursdays press conference to launch his new sponsorship deal with financial services company Aberdeen.
Well I'm afraid that we fall into the "foolish" category because for the first time in 10 years, we will be puting our money where our heads tell us to and not our hearts.
Surely Colin striding up the 18th at Carnoustie with a 2 shot cushion on the final day would be one of the most memorable moments in the history of our great game.
It won't happen.
Some might say that one would be more likely to see Sooty's feet in 2007 than Monty winning a Major!!
Whether it's the pace of ther greens, the crowd moving or someone opening a b@**@y KitKat, there will be some reason for Colin not winning.
Mind you, the omens are good..he holds the record at Carnoustie.
We might just stick a tenner on him!

Monday, 8 January 2007


So Elvis was not kidding when he suggested "Dreams come true in blue Hawaii" - certainly as far as Vijay is concerned.

Vijay "it was a 4" Singh picked up the Mercedes Benz Championship, his 30th win on the tour and a cool $1.1m.
Adam Scott (2 shots off at -12) and Trevor Immelman (-9) were the closest challengers but never really theatened to stop the big man becoming the most successful over 40 in PGA Tour history

Not bad for a man who only a few years ago, worked part time in Edinburgh as a bouncer kicking people out of (or perhaps into - we've been to the club!) the joint.

Vijay has received a fair amount of bad publicity over the years and the subject of bad sportmanship has arisen more than once.

However, Talesfromthelinks would like to congratulate him on his win and wish him well for 07.

Rumours that Vijay is to become the new face of "Tippex" are unfounded.

Friday, 5 January 2007

It's the time of year when we like to get out our balls (of the crystal variety) and predict what is in store for the year ahead.

Surely the only thing preventing Tiger doing "the Slam" is the prospect of sleepless nights, shitty nappies and general all round fatherdom.

So let us presume Tiger cannot afford a nanny and won't do all 4 majors...what lies ahead:

Paul Lawrie shoots 83, 81, 79 and 89 at Carnoustie to become the 1st European to win a Major since 1999.

Van der velde is seen standing by the Barry Burn head in hands sobbing "a 6!!...I just needed a 6"!!

Nick Faldo announce on air that Azinger is "a dead man" ...roll on Ryder Cup 08!!!!

Divorce rates in the UK double as Setanta brings us classics such as "The Disney 4 ball Invitational Stableford"!

Tiger Jnr picks up a club (3 months old) and finishes 2 ahead of Gargia, 3 ahead of Clarke.

Ian Poulter realises that it is not big, funny or clever to dress like a a competition..that'll impress us.

Wednesday, 3 January 2007


Don't misunderstand us... hell, we are in awe of Tiger and look forward to witnessing Jacks record being broken soon.
We wept like girls when "The Dazzler" stepped onto the 1st tee at the K Club and cheered like men possessed when Woosie desperately tried to wipe champagne from his eyes after the final day.
We pissed ourselves on Christmas Day when watching Doug Sanders running for cover on the 18th at St Andrews to avoid Jacks flying putter - great DVD mum!!!.
And we nostalgically recite the "and the meek shall inherit the earth" dialogue as spoke by Mr Allis as Larry Mize chipped in at Augusta all these years ago, after a few pints.
Yep...we are "Golf Perverts".
But in this day and age, we see journey men making more money each year than a small African Nations GDP and with all the identical swings (apologies Jim) and near enough identical clobber, please forgive us for appreciating the "other" side of the game.
We ask ouselves:
How can Ivor Robson go 12 hours without a tolilet break at the Open?
Which 2 pros would you most like to see in a fight? (our choice is Poulter and Pavin)!!
Why do we find the stuffy and very old fashioned members clubs politically incorrect but still very amuzing.

So enjoy, tell your friends about us, share your golfing stories with us and stay sober..ish!!!!!!!!!