Friday, 26 January 2007

Tiger might miss Carnoustie if baby arrives

Ernie and Monty find out Tiger may miss Carnoustie

Can you imagine the whooping and hollering around the tour when Tiger announced he may miss The Open this year if it clashed with the birth of "The Tiger Cub"?

"If it happens, it happens. If it crosses over, it crosses over," said the world number one.
"That's the most important thing, not another golf tournament. If she's going to have it during the week of the Open, I just don't go."
So we may just have another name on the Claret Jug.. Casey..Donald..Monty??

Ok, so it might make it a bit more interesting if we have 6 guys within a shot of each other in the final round rather than Tiger needing a 12 up the last to secure victory.

But we would hate Carnoustie 07 being rembered as the golfing version of The 1980 Olympics (boycotted by a number of countries, namely the good ol' US of A).

So come on Mrs's down to you - no curries mid July (or is that just an old wives tale? - let us know!)


The R&A members were delighted to welcome women

Why...I almost choked on my G&T!!
Women? Allowed in the R&A St Andrews Clubhouse?
"Over My Dead Body!" came the cry from the corriders.
Well, it's happening.
From the 2nd to the 5th of August, the Women's British Open takes place over the legendary links.
"The championship clubhouse will be open to all competitors, caddies, and officials involved with the Open," R&A spokesman Stewart McDougall said on Thursday, his teeth apparently unclenched.

One has to chuckle at the prospect of Colonnel Major Bannatyne Farqhuar getting ready for lunch in a makeshift "locker-room" whilst the ladies indulge in the wonderful hospitality that will be offered to all concerned.
The committee may decide to either widen the car-park area or employ part-time "car parkers" to ensure no damage is done to the sacred building on their arrival.

We are all doomed!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, 19 January 2007

BEN HOGAN - The Greatest of them all?

Slammin Sam Snead, The Golden Bear, Tom Watson, Gary Player, Byron Nelson, Tiger Woods... All wonderful golfers and all with a shout of being the best ever golfer.

It's always a tough ask to come up with one but we think Ben Hogan might just edge it.

Never has a man ever been as dedicated to perfecting the game as Ben was and by all accounts, his ball striking wasn't too shabby either.

Sure, he wasn't laugh a minute on the links like the great Lee Trevino or perhaps hadn't the same charisma as big Jack, but read any of his timeless golfing manuals or indeed the wonderful biog by James Dobson and what comes across is a man who was utterly commited to the game.

A man who played the Open once ('53 at Carnoustie) won it and never came back ..oh and he now has the 6th at Carnoustie named after him (Hogan's Alley - named after the drive he hit on all 4 rounds between the bunker and OOBs.
Below, are a few of the great man's most memorable quotes:

Mr Hogan...we salute you!!
Hitting a golf ball and putting have nothing in common. They're two different games. You work all your life to perfect a repeating swing that will get you to the greens, and then you have to try to do something that is totally unrelated. There shouldn't be any cups, just flag sticks. And then the man who hit the most fairways and greens and got closest to the pins would be the tournament winner...

This is a game of misses. The guy who misses the best is going to win....
Like most professional golfers, I have a tendency to remember my poor shots a shade more vividly than the good ones....

I don't like the glamour. I just like the game....

I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games...
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing....
Hit the ball up to the hole - You meet a better class of people up there....

The most important shot in golf is the next one...
I never played a round when I didn't learn something new about the game...

Thursday, 18 January 2007

"Off you go son..that joke is shite"

As a rule, golf jokes are p@ss poor.

Most of them were either told by Ronnie Corbett in his chair 25 years ago or used by Jimmy "I didn't get my daughter into Television " Tarbuck at the london Palladium.
Having said that, we are often sent golf "funnies" and occasionally they do make us chuckle.
We'll post the ones that do tickle our sides so keep them coming.
Where would you be without a laugh?...probably here!

Forgive me father, I used the f word this week.Ah, my son, tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word, after all, I can sometimes understand a person being provoked into using it.Well, I was golfing, and I hit a beautiful tee shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 300 yards but then suddenly veered into the woods.Ah, that is when you used the F-word? I can appreciate your frustration as I am a golfer myself.No, I stayed calm at that point, father, I then hit a perfect shotout of the woods, but it landed in a bunker.Ah, now I can understand you saying the F-word at that point.No, Father, I remained calm even then, I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the sand right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup.Ah, that is when you used the F-word, how frustrating said the priest.No, Father, I was still calm at this point.Don't tell me you missed the f**king putt said the priest

Tuesday, 16 January 2007

Who the hell is Tadd Fujikawa?

After another early year non-event, the golf journos across the globe are looking for anyone and we mean anyone to bring a glimmer of appeal..arrogance..raw talent to break up the monotony of the golf world in it's current form.

And who should come along:

Some Greg Norman type with flowing blond hair and a sun tan that would be the envy of any beach bum

Some swash-buckling "Chi Chi" style player who after each holed put, acts out a "Zorro" style routine?

Some Palmer clone with rippling biceps and forearms that could kill a cow.

Nope...please give a big hand to 5 foot 1 Tadd "Do you want to come to Fantasy Island" Fujikawa.

He's the youngest US Open Qualifier since 1941 (by the way..he shot 81/77 and was home by Friday night!)

He's from Hawaii (like Michelle Wie)

He's 5 foot 1 - oh did we say that already.

Excuse us whilst we shake with excitement but surely there must be better than this out there??

God, how we pray for a young Seve type who qualifys for the Open and walks onto the 1st tee as relaxed as if he was walking to the bathroom for a p*'ss at 3am in the morning.

Or a Daly character who we know is going to explode into a world of gambling, ladies and beer and we can all turn to each other hands on our sides and exclaim, "All that talent and he goes and wastes it!"

Let's hope there are organizations out there that as we speak, are searching for the youngsters who will take our beloved game forward in the next 20 years.
Failing that, we could be in for season after season of "Robot Wars" - but without the wars!

Sunday, 14 January 2007

Appleby enters Wie debate

As Michelle Wie looks to compete with the men after a less than successful 2006 ( although let us not forget the multi million $ sponsorship deals and endless appearance fees) , Stuart Appleby has made his feelings pretty clear.

"She's not ready for it. She's certainly not proving anything except that she can't play with the men at her level right now" exclaimed the not at all typical 21st century Aussie prior to the Sony Open in Hawaii.

Well, we look forward to the sight of women burning bras all over the world in protest at these out-spoken comments.

Perhaps Stuart "Can you iron this" Appleby will make a full apology before the Masters and agree to play on the Ladies Tour for a year.

Then again, perhaps we will look at her last 8 rounds when playing against the men (75, 77, 78, 79,77,81,81 & 80) and wonder if with scores like that, she would make a better opening batsman and perhaps Stuart has a point.

Michelle...the challenge has been made...prove us wrong.. love!

Monty hopeful of Major in 2007

Monty Hopes For Major In 2007

To be fair to Monty, it's a wonder he doesn't stand up in these never ending press conferences he gives and when asked the inevitable question, "can you win a major this year?", start throwing haymakers at the hacks.
"I was second in Majors in 2005 and 2006 so you would be foolish to rule me out of winning one this year" Colin quipped at Thursdays press conference to launch his new sponsorship deal with financial services company Aberdeen.
Well I'm afraid that we fall into the "foolish" category because for the first time in 10 years, we will be puting our money where our heads tell us to and not our hearts.
Surely Colin striding up the 18th at Carnoustie with a 2 shot cushion on the final day would be one of the most memorable moments in the history of our great game.
It won't happen.
Some might say that one would be more likely to see Sooty's feet in 2007 than Monty winning a Major!!
Whether it's the pace of ther greens, the crowd moving or someone opening a b@**@y KitKat, there will be some reason for Colin not winning.
Mind you, the omens are good..he holds the record at Carnoustie.
We might just stick a tenner on him!

Monday, 8 January 2007


So Elvis was not kidding when he suggested "Dreams come true in blue Hawaii" - certainly as far as Vijay is concerned.

Vijay "it was a 4" Singh picked up the Mercedes Benz Championship, his 30th win on the tour and a cool $1.1m.
Adam Scott (2 shots off at -12) and Trevor Immelman (-9) were the closest challengers but never really theatened to stop the big man becoming the most successful over 40 in PGA Tour history

Not bad for a man who only a few years ago, worked part time in Edinburgh as a bouncer kicking people out of (or perhaps into - we've been to the club!) the joint.

Vijay has received a fair amount of bad publicity over the years and the subject of bad sportmanship has arisen more than once.

However, Talesfromthelinks would like to congratulate him on his win and wish him well for 07.

Rumours that Vijay is to become the new face of "Tippex" are unfounded.

Friday, 5 January 2007

It's the time of year when we like to get out our balls (of the crystal variety) and predict what is in store for the year ahead.

Surely the only thing preventing Tiger doing "the Slam" is the prospect of sleepless nights, shitty nappies and general all round fatherdom.

So let us presume Tiger cannot afford a nanny and won't do all 4 majors...what lies ahead:

Paul Lawrie shoots 83, 81, 79 and 89 at Carnoustie to become the 1st European to win a Major since 1999.

Van der velde is seen standing by the Barry Burn head in hands sobbing "a 6!!...I just needed a 6"!!

Nick Faldo announce on air that Azinger is "a dead man" ...roll on Ryder Cup 08!!!!

Divorce rates in the UK double as Setanta brings us classics such as "The Disney 4 ball Invitational Stableford"!

Tiger Jnr picks up a club (3 months old) and finishes 2 ahead of Gargia, 3 ahead of Clarke.

Ian Poulter realises that it is not big, funny or clever to dress like a a competition..that'll impress us.

Wednesday, 3 January 2007


Don't misunderstand us... hell, we are in awe of Tiger and look forward to witnessing Jacks record being broken soon.
We wept like girls when "The Dazzler" stepped onto the 1st tee at the K Club and cheered like men possessed when Woosie desperately tried to wipe champagne from his eyes after the final day.
We pissed ourselves on Christmas Day when watching Doug Sanders running for cover on the 18th at St Andrews to avoid Jacks flying putter - great DVD mum!!!.
And we nostalgically recite the "and the meek shall inherit the earth" dialogue as spoke by Mr Allis as Larry Mize chipped in at Augusta all these years ago, after a few pints.
Yep...we are "Golf Perverts".
But in this day and age, we see journey men making more money each year than a small African Nations GDP and with all the identical swings (apologies Jim) and near enough identical clobber, please forgive us for appreciating the "other" side of the game.
We ask ouselves:
How can Ivor Robson go 12 hours without a tolilet break at the Open?
Which 2 pros would you most like to see in a fight? (our choice is Poulter and Pavin)!!
Why do we find the stuffy and very old fashioned members clubs politically incorrect but still very amuzing.

So enjoy, tell your friends about us, share your golfing stories with us and stay sober..ish!!!!!!!!!